From the bottom of my heart, I wish everyone an amazing day fullfilled with so much love, happiness and of some of the craziest dreams! :p
To be honest with you, this post costs me so much courage, that I was at least thinking half an hour or I guess it was even more, if I am really able to post this. For you, this are probably "just two different" pictures, but for me, when I am looking at the photos, all the memories in relation to the one on the left come back into my head. I was 22 back then and the picture on the right is my 24 year old self this morning, almost right after I woke up, with my gym clothes on, because today is leg day.
(And I do not know what is happening to my body, but since I started to open up to other people about my past, my body changed a lot and I am feeling better with every single day. You have to know, that, because of the travelling and living in so many different parts of the world and because my life is super different compared to the life of my old friends, that I lost many friendships, so it is so nice for me, to found an opportunity to kinda connect with other people again. I mean we never know what could happen after we took the first steps towards the right direction..).
But let´s get back to the girl on the left, posing for the 467238064 thousand Instagram picture, feeling super uncomfortable, trying to hide her inner hippie-self with fake lashes, fake tan, fake nails, fake hair, so much make-up on and a super short dress (nothing against short dresses at all!!). When I am looking at the picture, I do not see myself there, because on the inside, I was always like the girl on the right. Too much carrying, too vulnerable, too sporty, too basic and too honest. I mean, I grew up on a farm with two younger brothers, I never was that typical girl, you know? I am simply not interested in most of the things the women around me are interested in, so I always felt super weird and lost and lonely..
To be honest, my parents always took it for guarented that I can manage my own life, because I am the oldest one (I love them to death and I do not want to complain at all), but since I am 7 years old, my little brothers got almost every minute of their attention and I had to figure out all of my problems on my own. When I got older, I was the big sister, a tutor, a cab driver, doctor, cook, therapist and so on, so basically, I was trying to get my stuff together, figuring out how I can follow my purpose, while I was dealing with my eating disorders, studying and working in two different jobs besides solving my brothers life problems, too, because of the divorce of my parents.
Anyway, I felt so lonely and it was all a way too much for me to handle and too less of the "things" EVERYONE needs, which is love and attention from the right people. So, when I started to train and to publish my first pictures on Instagram, I suddenly got some attention. People started to be interested in my daily life and it kinda helped me to fight against my inner emptiness. I started to create the person you see on the left, to hide my inner self, because I always thought, I am not enough, I am too ugly, no one could ever really like me and so on. During this process, I became a person, I was not able to identify anymore. Every single time I was looking in my eyes in the mirror, I saw my real soul and all the things I really need and they had nothing to do with the things I was doing every single day. I was living a life which was not mine at all, but I still thought, that is the only way to make it out of here. I was burned-out and because of all the things I had to do and decided to do on a daily basis, I was just running around like a crazy person without any idea where I was actually running to. September the 14th 2018 was the day my mom married her new boyfriend without telling me about it. I received a whatsapp massage, which she sent to all of her phone contacts. During this time, I was living in her house, with her boyfriend, my grandmother and herself and she was not telling me that she is going to marry him! I am getting emotional right now, because that day is almost exactly two years ago from now and that is also exactly the time between these two pictures below.
On September 14th 2018 I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I decided, that my life is important, too and that I have the right of living and creating a life I really want to be a part of. All the years before, I always had to put myself into the last row, my parents were not able to help me financially to fight for my dreams (and to be honest, they never believed in me and were always against everything I really wanted). I guess, they wanted to kinda keep my small, because I was managing so many things back then at home.
Anyway, with 22 years, I sold all the stuff I had, quitted my jobs, cancelled my university and jumped into the plane to Australia. Only my brothers and my clostest friends knew about it. I told no one, because I knew, they would do anything to stop me from finally living the life I want. Even more, the life I needed so bad, to get back to my own roots, to relieve myself from all the pressure, doubts, fears and all the stress. As you can imagine, it was hard, especially because I am such a super sensitive and loving person and even though I knew I had to do it if I want to save my own life, It broke my heart into 1000 pieces, knowing how hard I have heard my mom, my dad and my grandmother. (During that time, I had no contact with my dad at all. We were not speaking for six years after the divorce. But now everything is better between us than ever and I love him so much!!). I left long letters for my mom and my granny. Today, they understand why I did what I did and they forgive me. <3
I am sorry, I kinda lost the message I wanted to tell you, but everything I have in my mind now is: BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE and do not hide your true self, because you are afraid of not being accepted for who you are. You have the right to be happy and to live the life you need to be truly happy. And I mean, look at the girl on the right side of the picture, her eyes are smiling (yeah I know I still look a bit sleepy, but I am such an early bird so.. :p).
Thank YOU for giving woman like me the chance to open up to other people. I love you all so much and I wish you nothing else, but a happy, lovely and amazing life <3
With hugs for everyone,
Jen <3