Guys <3
I need to talk about somethings which are on my mind lately, even though I always try to avoid talking about it, because the majority of the people kinda got it in the wrong way and therefore I got more negative reactions in the past then I was able to deal with on my own.. but honestly, I suffer so much from it over the last years already and Idk, I guess I kinda really need an advice or how to handle it..
I wann give u an example first: the picture was from szene number 1 from monday´s set for the musicvideoshoot and the video in the black underwear was for szene number 2. The black swan, which you saw already, was the last szene, we filmed on that day.
Anyway, the second I arrived on set, totally prepared as always, I brought my own makeup artist with me to make sure, I and the rest of the crew are safe during the covid pandemic, I felt that the female manager (she was also the girlfriend of one of the guys from the rockband) did not really like me. My makeup artist created the first look from home, to save time on set, because it is usually very stressy and the people are already super busy, so we always try to be on point from minute number one, so yes, I arrived totally glammed up. (It should be obvious that I do not look like that on a daily basis..). Everyone was happy with the makeup and the hairstyling, it was meant to be "american beauty" for the first szene and we realized exactly what they wished for. Before the first shot, the female managerin came to me, started some smalltalk and I saw in her eyes, that something bothered her. I asked her in a quiet minute, away from everyone else, and she was just like: "yeah I gained so much weight during the pandemic and I am so frustrated about the whole situation and you should defiantly upload more pictures of yourself with makeup on for your sedcard, because WE just saw you naturally and yeah you look totally different with makeup on".
UFFF, I thought I KNEW IT. I KNEW what her "problem" was. Professional as I am, which means I NEVER give anybody else a bad feeling, hate, complain or whatever, INSTEAD I am always supportive and try to find and use the right words to give the people around me a better feeling about themselves, I tried to "help" her feeling better while being on set with me. Also, another girlfriend from one of the rockband members was there. She was a bit more relaxed, but yeah in the first szene I had to be in the bath with the singer (which was her boyfriend) and of corse she didn´t like that!! ( to make sure, I tell her clearly about the situation on how I see this, I took her aside before we started and told her, that I know she wont like it and that I am sorry for it, but it is my job and I wanna make it good, because I get paid for it AND at the end of the day it is my face, body and so on which hundred thousands of people will see on youtube!)
I mean, I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND HER, no one wants to see his or her love being in a bath with someone else BUT THIS IS A JOB, MY JOB and only that! IT IS A JOB and everything was very professional organized and handled, so I never understand why people take these things so personal that they show how much it botheres them INTO MY DIRECTION. They booked me as a model and actress for this role, they knew my measurements...I hate myself for feeling bad during these moments then, because on one side I think: If you can not handle it professional, leave the set or be in relationship with someone who fits into your version of husband/ wife, boy-/ girlfriend or something else and on the other side I am like: okay, so you booked me, because you thought I am "ugly/ mainstream" (nothing wrong with it at all!!) or why are you so negative to me, just because you think I am more beautiful in your eyes than you see and find yourself?? FOR ME, people who are acting like that really have deep mental issues (and because I know that because I have been there by myself for so many years, I never take it personal or start being arogant or mean). BUT still, it is just so frustrating sometimes for myself being excluded by so many people, because other people think I am too attractive which means for them I WANNA STEAL THEIR BOYFRIENDS????!!!!.............and I am thinking: WHY? WHAT CAN I DO AGAINST MY EYES, FACE, APPERANCE? WHY do people hate me for all the hard work I put into my body, career, character, skills for looking and being like that to create more and more chances for myself for being heard and seen to achieve my highest goals for my life? I don´t get it and I have no idea how many tears I cried because of this! :(
It happens soooooooooooo often to me that I arrive somewhere and the people tell me straight away: you are too attractive, you are too sexy, you are too hot, your eyes look like you are naif and your face looks fake !
WHY ? :( IT HURTS ME SO MUCH !!! I am born with that face and I never thought that it would be the reason for getting discriminated, I mean, I even left my little scar to show the world that I care about other things than looking perfect!! I wanna become a role model, SI swimsuit model, an actress, a writer and a mommy :) ...... I usually never wear any make up, I wear boyfriend clothes and I am the most relaxed person ever BUT EVEN THOUGH I would wear all the girly stuff, WHO THE FUCK CARES ? I feel discriminated! SERIOUSLY ! Especially in acting (at least for now, where I have no real good footage, experience and so on...) it is so f*cking hard to even get a chance showing what I am capable of and how hard I am willing to work for getting there, if no one wants you, because you are too attractive at first sight. I hate these norms and prejudices so much. Just because you are pretty in someones eyes does not mean you are silly, arrogant, have an easy life, are healthy, sporty or what ever !! IT MEANS NOTHING !!
YOU, ME, WE, we all can´t say something about someone personally, if we do not know the person PERSONALLY !! ALl these prejudices seriously make absolute non sense and even worser, they destroy and hurt other people´s life forever !! Imagine how thousand of people suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY from these toxic bullshit norms !! I
HOPE SO MUCH THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE MINDSETS FOREVER !! And honestly, I hope so much that I become a part of the SI team, because I would not be afraid to keep my voice up and fight for it WHILE being as attractive as I wanna be, showing the world THAT YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO and still having a brain, business and a good character WHILE being half naked on the cover of a magazine !! The connections between two or three things people created over the last years, make so often no sense at all.
AND I WANNA SHOW HOW USELESS THEY ARE BY MYSELF !!
With so much hope, love and gratitude as always and forever,
Jen <3